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Ich Liebe Aldi

  • By Becky Bond
  • 13 Nov, 2016

Coming Soon

What would you rather have, a mind blowing orgasm every day for the rest of your life or a new Aldi opening within half a mile of your house?

Tough call – and I reckon there's many a mum in my village who'd plump for the latter, had they to choose. But luckily for them, the German store of our dreams has it's finger on the button and is currently under construction just behind the chippy. The only frustration now is the time it's taking to build. I just hope that when the gleaming doors finally glide open, it won't be an anti-climax.

To whet my appetite, I bobbed along to my nearest fast-scanning bazaar for a spot of research. Mum was after a few bottles of gin and a hammer anyway, so I killed two birds. Well, three actually – I'd forgotten I needed a cuckoo clock and as luck would have it they were reduced by eight quid. I haven't opened the box yet though, so it might not actually be a cuckoo in there. Could be a buzzard or a miniature Angela Merkel tutting at Trump.

Actually, there's an idea - clocks with famous Germans behind a hidden door. Heidi Klum hops out at half past, Albert Einstein appears relatively close to quarter-to and Boris Becker launches forth on the hour to clatter you with his racket. He might quite like it in there, fond as he is of cupboards...

But I seem to have wondered down the wrong aisle here - where was I?

Ah yes, research.

I also conducted a very serious straw poll in the office and asked two people what non-food items they'd purchased from the Großmarkt in the last twelve months. The results revealed: a tennis set, tile cutter, battery for the caravan and a saddle. Curiously, Office Man A had been specifically checking the brochure, ready to pounce when his goods were in stock; whereas Office Woman B, like most of us, had just nipped in for some mushrooms. Regardless, they were both thrilled with their merchandise.

I doubt either of them were as happy as my husband though, when he realised the location of the new Aldi means the value of our house will rise by five grand. Now das ist gut. Imagine what that bonus £5k could get us in-store? We could kit the kids out in base layers and welding goggles for the rest of their lives. We could try a can of something new and dangerous every night – just for kicks. Herring with pineapple in curry sauce, for example.

Actually, the high-risk foods thing probably wouldn't work. The ten year old's reasonably adventurous, but sadly, child number one is like her dad - sliced ham or nowt. Never was this driven home to me more than during our first trip abroad (France, Keycamp, off-season).

Cycling to the Supermarché, I was salivating at the thought of saucisson, brie de Meaux and olives in rustic herbs. But I watched in despair as spouse and enfants loaded the trolley with processed jambon, packets of Pitch and exotic Walkers crisps. They couldn't even bring themselves to throw in a jar of Bonne Maman, for crepes' sake.

Hang on, I'm down the wrong aisle again here...

But actually, as I'm wandering aimlessly, perhaps you could point me in the right direction pronunciation-wise. How do you actually say Al di? Is it like:

(A) All day and all of the night? - The Kinks

(B) Ol iver's Army is here to stay? - Elvis Costello

(C) You can call me Al ? - Paul Simon

I'm going with You Can Call Me Aldi.

Whatever. It's cheap, it's convenient and it's nearly ready. The Germans are building it and sure as eggs is cut price eggs, one way or another, we will be kommen.

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