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My View - Wednesday April 26 2017


My daughters are waiting for their guinea pigs to die. Every morning they listen for a squeak or scratch in the sawdust and their hearts sink a little more as they realise Nibbles and Munch have survived another night. 

There's nothing actually wrong with the rodents. Its just that they live in the cellar and it's starting to smell a bit. We've had them for over three years now and the girls want to reclaim the space and make it cool with Ikea beanbags and a tele - without the underlying odour of urine.

We were hoodwinked by a spotty boy in the pet shop in December 2013. We wanted hamsters, but HE said guinea pigs were better - oh, and we'd need two because they get lonely. So pester power saw me shelve the short-living hamster idea and I forked out twice as much for two sets of bigger claws. 

Our other pets snuffed it soon enough. The goldfish didn't even last a week - barely time to warrant a lollipop stick headstone. And the sea monkeys never actually hatched, so we're just saddled with all the redundant apparel – two empty tanks and a Dora The Explorer treasure chest. 

I blame our mid-winter purchase. If we'd got the guinea pigs in May, they'd have gone in the garden and might even be dead by now, but we were too soft. My husband even fashioned a little two up two down for them from an old cupboard and some bunk bed slats. It's a five star luxury lodge in vermin terms, so I'm not surprised they're sticking around.

Apart from the odd scabby ear and occasional sneeze they're in good nick, so I reckon they've got two years (minimum) left. Perhaps we could offer them free to a good home on our village website? Ebay's obviously out of the question because they'd never be still long enough to package up (I'm joking). 

Maybe we could do like they do in Peru and just scoff them? But that would mean being instrumental in their demise and I couldn't do it. I googled a few recipes out of curiosity though but stopped at 'dust with cumin.' 

So it looks like the girls are going to have to re-bond with Nibz 'n' Munchie. In an attempt to make them appealing again, I suggested setting up an instagram page for daily posts on cuteness/ life expactancy. My youngest loves the idea and is currently taking headshots of them eating celery. I received a standard eye-roll from the eldest. 

But we're in uncertain times at the moment and I think there's room for a couple of celebrity guinea pigs on social media. Given the choice, I'd much rather bury my head in pictures scittering balls of fluff than read another rant about the general election. In fact, I'm thinking we could take this one step further. Munch for Prime Minister - who's in? 

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