Control

In the last few years, three people I know have successfully managed to extricate themselves from abusive relationships. Not physical abuse, but clever, drip-drip, confidence-sapping, bank-balance-draining abuse.

One of them had a very messy divorce, with children involved. Another eventually moved out (but they weren't married) and fortunately, one was lucky enough to see the light just before getting sucked any further down that route – but it was a close shave.

All of these people (two women and a man) are kind, caring, funny, strong and what's more, very intelligent. So how did they end up with a partner who left them temporarily mentally battered and bruised? Did they lack the confidence to hold out for someone who treated them better? Were they hoodwinked from the off by a person who could sense their vulnerability? Were they in some way to blame? Absolutely not. But it's a question they have all asked themselves.

Speaking to them separately, one theme is constant and this comment summed it up: "It sounds daft, there were so many incidences, which taken alone, might just seem a bit odd or petty. It's only now I've stepped back from that scenario and have spent time with other people, that I've realised how destructive that partnership was."

Coercive control ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abusive_power_and_control ) seems to be the buzzword.

Sociopath ( https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sociopath ) was mentioned too.

As was Munchausen’s syndrome ( https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/munchausens-syndrome/ ).

Websites offering help are littered with checklists of behavioral traits of someone who is abusing you. Once seen in black and white, they can be hard to explain away.

"The way I was living my life had slowly become normal to me. He was very subtly in control of everything – even down to what we ate, the time we ate it and who we ate it with."

Isolation was a factor in all three scenarios - finding excuses for their partner not to spend time with their own family and friends. There would be an illness, a catastrophe, a forgotten appointment, a well-timed argument to create a bad feeling and in some cases, an outright, well-thought-out lie.

"I'll take care of our our social life, you're so busy" - so I can say 'no' to invitations or cancel without you even knowing we've been included. Inevitably, the invitations dry up and the victim is left wondering why. The abuser gets to play the part of sympathy-giver, making it appear like they are the only one who truly loves and understands them.

I was told about an off-the-cuff comment received from an acquaintance: "Whenever you're out together, as soon as you look like you're having fun, you get whisked off". It was always faux concern about them drinking too much, or a sudden urge to 'get them into bed', or an invented slight from someone else at the event to sour the mood.

The woe-is-me or martyr theme is a common thread, with the bully blaming their own behaviour on outside events or influences, never accepting responsibility for their own actions. Usually the abuser is unhappy with their own life and by subtly making the people around them unhappy, they feel less miserable themselves.

Twisted behaviour is packaged up as love or concern, to induce feelings of guilt in the victim, for thinking badly of them. But that victim probably knows, deep, deep down that what they are living through just doesn’t seem right. Maybe they are unwilling to acknowledge what they fear, for fear of facing reality themselves.

These patterns are often noticed by friends and family a long time before the victim - and it is a brave person who brings this up in conversation. Will it be taken the wrong way? Look like you're interfering? Spoil your own relationship with them? It's tricky.

But one thing I’ve learned is that somehow, the real truth eventually surfaces. And when it does, when the jigsaw pieces finally start falling into place, the best thing you can do is just be there.