Embalmed in Rio

I wanted to donate my body to science but my daughters have banned me. They don't like the idea of their mother’s torso being poked over by a zitty med student with a clipboard and scalpel. I pointed out that it would save them a fortune in funeral costs, but they still won’t have it. So I’ve expanded my morbid research and found more fabulous ways to move from earth to heaven.

I particularly like the idea of solving a murder after my demise by being left to wither on a body farm in Texas. In one programme, they showed a man with a mattress on top of him, to mirror a homicide and assess how long the corpse had been hidden. Another cadaver was propped up against a tree, fully clothed, to monitor when birds of prey might sniff it out and peck through the denim jacket. One lady had just been left in the nuddy with a tag on her toe.

But if you’d prefer something altogether more jolly, you could be carted off to the crematorium in a motorbike side car, have your ashes rocketed into space, or, book an Elvis look-a-like to croon ‘Return to Sender’ ahead of being buried in your own back yard. One woman hosted her own fake funeral because she didn’t want to miss out on the party when she was actually dead. Why suffer from FOMO?

If you fancy adding a spot of sunshine to your send-off, there's a place in Rio de Janeiro where you can be embalmed and set in a pose. One chap chose to be forever playing dominoes in his favourite bar. For those liking their mercury a little lower though, why not take a dip in a cryonic chamber for a century or two? That zitty med student might bring you back to life in 2119.

One of the most controversial methods of eternal preservation is plastination, where you are kind of steeped in plastic. Think 3D lamination. It was made famous by a chap called Dr Gunther Von Hagens, who has an exhibition called Body Worlds in London. Not one for the faint-hearted, but fascinating nonetheless.

There’s a new kid on the funeral block called resomation, which is gaining traction in Minnesota. From what I can gather, you’re placed in a tank of watery chemicals and somehow magicked into a syrupy substance. Your loved ones can choose to keep you in a bottle or flush you down the lav. Perhaps one for an in-law who’s always been a pain in the backside.

Some people make a living from filming funerals. Now at first, I struggled to think of one possible reason why that would be a good idea. But the pamphlet pointed out that a DVD could be sent to mourners who were unable to make it. The package deal includes testimonies from grieving friends, and, for an added fee, they’ll throw in a copy of the order of service to help you join in.

So, should you, or someone you love, find yourself facing the final curtain anytime soon, consider this little article your handy one-stop-shop for a dirge-free do. You’re welcome.